Sunday, July 24, 2011

Fate and a Triumphant Return to Blogging!

Sometimes Gchat can produce some wonderful existential thought.

Them: To think how tenuous the odds are
that it would hapen
almost makes me believe in fate
Me: hmmmm not me XD
it makes me believe in how amazingly true chaos theory is
there is nothing BUT chance
Them: true
Me: and most of the time it leads to either boring shit or occasionally awful shit
but once in a blue moon it leads to something amazing
and it's not luck or fate. it's the human capacity to recognize that and make the most of it
with our own potential for strength and determination
SO THERE. take that, faith and fate.

I was going to elaborate on this a little bit, but at least for now I want to leave it as is because it pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter. I'd only add a quote a friend shared recently: “I don’t think, honestly, that we’re an animal built to be happy.  We’re an animal that was built to reproduce. I think the happiness we find, we make.”~ Helen Fisher, neuroscientist

I appreciate this because it expresses the fact that science is perfectly capable of telling us a lot about how we are and how we function as human beings, but her quote also includes our ability to help shape our lives and our feelings in some way. Our power is limited, but it's enough for us to have the agency to take advantage of the randomness in ourselves and our world to make us a little happier within it.

I've decided to find my way back to this blog, after a summer in which I experienced too much uncertainty and pain to really think clearly. Things are going much, much better for me now, and the things making me so happy and secure are still so new and precious to me that I prefer to hide them selfishly. I want to hold it firmly to my chest, wallow in it, appreciate it fully after years of self-hate and depression and anxiety preventing me from ever feeling so free and in control and fully HAPPY. I can share it with the people who helped make it happen, but not yet to the internets and to my wider circle of friends. At least for now. In the meantime, I hope to keep posting my various deep and not-so-deep thoughts, and hopefully some music too. Like this!


Less silly: